Tag: personal post

  • Growth | 2019 One Word Resolution

    Growth | 2019 One Word Resolution

    Hello friends

    It’s been a while hasn’t it? You know I’m not one for apologies and honestly I don’t think there needs to be one. If you follow me elsewhere you’ll know that I’ve generally not had the brain space or energy to blog. I put out a grand total of five posts. The lowest amount I’ve written since I started just over EIGHT years ago – I’m an absolute granny in blogging years fam.

    2018 taught me valuable lessons in survival and endurance. Not wanting to be dramatic the reality of that was more of me trying to actively manage my mental health for the first time. I’ve been trying to get formally diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and S.A.D. I have come to terms with the fact that I have a well and truly unhealthy relationship with the Internet. I’ve also come to terms with with that there will be days that all I feel I can physically do is stare at a wall, feed myself and shower. I’ve been slowly opening up to my parents that I’m stressed and don’t know what I’m doing with my life (hard stuff with Asian parentals but we’re doing it).

    It may have come with age, but 2018 has also been very much sorting out what I actually truly care about, dropping what I don’t and realising that bad days are a blip in the timeline of my life. I’ve also realised this year, how very far I’ve come. On the phone to my sister in the Summer, she offhandedly said “You’re getting better at this y’know”. And I have. Every year I learn more about my triggers and how

    But perhaps contradictory to the previous paragraph, I feel as if I have actually done well on this. Looking back at last year’s word ‘Aspire’, my focus and my goals were never about actual action. Reconnecting with my sense of self and what my ambitions are were my priorities.

    Which brings me onto this year’s word.

    GROWTH

    1. the process of developing physically, mentally, or spiritually.

    2. The process of increasing in amount, value, or importance.

    Growth has many dictionary definitions from the literal, to the biological, to the economical. And like its dictionary definition I’m choosing to interpret it in multiple ways.

    Growth for me is not changing who I am now that I’ve got myself a new calendar. Growth is building on the foundations of last year’s aspirations and achievements. Growth is nurturing my enjoyment in the things I really feel passionate about. Growth will be a challenge, but growth will also be knowing that learning the importance of adapting. Growth is learning more and more about myself.

    In practical terms this means taking leaps and feeling scared. It means getting serious about dreams, aspirations, and ambitions, with the expectation that things will not work out 100% of the time. It means being honest with myself about what truly makes me happy and investing in that.

    I’m excited to plant the seeds this year. Watch me bloom.

  • Unconventional Milestones

    Unconventional Milestones

    I’ve said many times that I’m long past the point where I care about hitting particular milestones to determine my ‘adulthood’. That can sometimes be hard for someone who doesn’t have an engagement ring or sonogram photo or keys to my own place to boast about in a Facebook status

    One of my favourite writers Laura Jane Williams wrote in her Red Magazine column recently expressed her frustration of how sometimes those who take a less conventional route through life are often overlooked. Traditional rites of passage are often the more celebrated, but that doesn’t mean those of us who stray from the usual path should feel as if we have nothing that is “deemed culturally important enough for a designated bit in the card shop.”

    As it’s my 26th birthday today, I wanted to share some perhaps more unconventional milestones with you that I’m hoping to achieve. These are the ones I will personally deem important enough to celebrate – maybe with a Facebook status – one day.

    LIVE IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY

    It’s slowly dawning on me that by the time my parents hit their 30s they’d upped and moved to a completely different country at least once. I’ve ‘technically’ done that too, but I don’t think moving to Japan or the UK as a toddler really counts? I’ve always wanted to challenge myself to move across land/sea to see how I’d fare. So far, because of my lack of language skills, the safest options are likely the US, Canada, Australia, or New Zealand. Though it would be interesting to see if I could make a braver decision to go somewhere where I would have to pick up the language too.

    ACTIVELY MANAGE MY MENTAL HEALTH

    This is not just having a self-care Sunday moment. It’s getting a proper diagnosis. It’s trying therapy and potentially medication. It’s managing ups and downs properly. It’s recognising good physical health also contributes to good mental health. I know there’s unlikely to be a miracle pill in my lifetime that will help me do this, but if I can get to a point where I feel comfortable, know myself and weather the storm as it were then I definitely want to be celebrating that.

    ATTEND A PROTEST OR RALLY

    (I may have a chance to do this in July. haha!) But in all seriousness, I kind of wish this wasn’t on my milestone list. I wish we lived in a World where I didn’t have to tell Governments and politicians to do their job. But alas, protests, rallies or marches are now a core part of activism. I talk the talk, I’ve written about how people can support these causes from afar, but it’s important to me that I get out there myself.

    SIGN WITH A LITERARY AGENT

    I really hope I’m not jinxing myself with this one. My writing and unfinished books are my babies, so I guess this would be the equivalent of finding the right man for me to help me birth them into the World. For me, the agent is a huge first step more so than a publishing deal. I know from working in the industry and from authors that I follow that getting an agent who you know and deeply trust is like gold dust, so I appreciate this one may take some time. But I know it’ll be worth it.

    ~  ~  ~

    And in the spirit of celebration, here are a couple of unconventional milestones I’ve already hit:

    1. Travelled solo to another country (and am itching to again!).
    2. Built a piece of flatpack furniture by myself *insert strong arm emoji here*
    3. Had my writing and my name in print.
    4. Work in a job where I use the degree I studied for. #MillennialGoals
    5. Finally figured out how to budget. Properly. Spreadsheets and everything.

    ~  ~  ~

    Let me know what unconventional milestones you’ve hit too! I’d love to celebrate with you guys as well.

    R Xx

  • I’m Not Ok | On Patience & Time

    I’m Not Ok | On Patience & Time

    I knew setting the lofty goal of aspiration for 2018 would be hard. That’s the whole point. I am ‘aspiring’ to go bigger. I’m ‘aspiring’ to be bolder. I’m setting my own standards so high that they are a little out of reach because I know it’ll pay off in the long run. But achievements, change, and goals take time to cultivate. Even the easiest of new year’s resolutions can be expected to manifest themselves by month three of the year.

    That doesn’t stop the feeling of wanting it all. And in a world of instantaneous gratification, in that awfully selfish Violet Beauregarde kind of way, ‘I want it all now‘.

    And that my friend has been the most frustrating thing about the start of this year.

    Because patience, is a virtue that I do not possess without real, well…patience. Lack of patience coupled with what appears to be another downward spiral in my mental health has meant these first three months have been hard. That’s an admission I don’t like to make often.

    It’s different to the usual creativity/writer’s block. It’s a different kind of stress.

    It’s draining and exhausting.

    It’s feeling guilty for having a good life and not feeling satisfied with it. It’s being sat in bed at midnight staring at the wall and dreading the feeling of the monotony of the same every day. It’s putting on a good face because you don’t want to worry your friends and family. It’s losing interest in what you used to love. It’s the guilt, again, because you’re too exhausted to do anything you love. It’s piling on so much pressure that you crack on a phone call. It’s constantly saying you’re ok when you’re really not.

    I’ve often suspected I suffer from a mild form of S.A.D. and this Winter has definitely felt like the hardest slog of slogs *shakes fist at the snow outside of my window*. Spring and April (my birthday month) always leave me feeling far more hopeful than January ever does. The start of a new season does tend to have this effect on me.

    But as I alluded to in my last 2017 post I know I have to accept that this is a journey. Things will now change overnight. It will be hard. It will take me opening up to people like I am right now. It will take patience and time.

    I’m willing to accept that this may be the first tiny step towards accepting that, sometimes, I’m not ok. But that in itself is totally ok.

    Ria Xx