Thoroughly modern millennial

Category: Blog

  • Read, Watch, Listen | Black History Month

    Read, Watch, Listen | Black History Month

    As a South East Asian woman I can honestly say that I do not know what it’s like to be a member of the black community. I have empathy for their struggles, I can relate some of their issues to my own (as is the case with Intersectional feminism), but to put it bluntly I have no right to talk about black issues.

    With Black History Month drawing to a close, I feel like I would be doing a disservice if I tried to preach at you all about why #BlackLivesMatter. The first step to becoming an ally to any minority community is to ‘shut up and listen’. An ally’s  job is not to take the spotlight, but to place that spotlight on the people who’s voices really matter. Most importantly an ally’s job is when we get called out, to take on the critique and educate ourselves when we get things wrong.

    In the spirit of ally-ship today’s post is about highlighting the voices of the black community. I can’t tell their story, but they can. To make it even easier, here are a small snipped of links to articles and think pieces you can read, films, Youtube videos, and TV shows to watch, and albums and podcasts to listen to.

    Read

    Watch

    • 13th (2016), Directed by Ava Duverney
    • O.J.: Made in America (2016)
    • What Happened, Miss Simone (2015)
    • Girlhood (2014)
    • Dear White People (2014)
    • Hip-Hop Evolution, Netflix series
    • Black Female President 2032, Akilah Hughes Akilah Hughes
    • IDA B WELLS: The Princess of the Press, Kat Blaque
    • #MyLifeMatters, Blackout for Human Rights Blackout for Human Rights
    • UK Black History Month, Gal-Dem
    • Diversity & Parliament: Why it’s important to celebrate Black History Month, UK Parliament
    • An interview with the founders of Black Live Matter, TEDTalk TEDxTalks

    Listen

    • Podcasts:- I, The Angry Black Woman, Melanin Millennials // Madam Secretary, What’s Good? (with Hillary Clinton), Another Round // Obama’s Legacy: Did he remix race?, Code Switch
    • Music:- Solange Knowles: A seat at the table // Alicia Keys: Here // Kendrick Lamar: To pimp a butterfly

    And as I mentioned this is by no means an exhaustive list. Use this as step one for yourselves to seek out more. The more we understand about each other the easier it will be to empathize when issues arise.

    — — —

    Leave more links to interesting articles you’ve read in the comments too! As I said on Twitter this week, our knowledge as allies is always a work in progress, so educate me!

    Ria Xx

  • Revisiting Spinster | One Year On

    Revisiting Spinster | One Year On

    It’s been about a year since I hit post on that post about being single and unfortunately that status has not changed. I’m still single, closer to 25 now than a more naive 23. What has changed is that around the time I published that post, I ventured tentatively onto Tinder (after much peer pressure from my housemates. Hi girls! * whispers * I know you’re reading this * whispers *) and decided to actually give ‘proper’ dating a try.

    There have been both good and bad dates/conversations with the opposite sex. A few now amusing stories I can now recall out to friends. I’ve been benched, ghosted and have benched and ghosted myself. I’ve been ’that girl’ incessantly hung up on a guy who’s ‘just not that into you’ and the girl who is just super shit at replying to messages (sorry dudes). The drama queen in me feels like I’ve gone through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, when in reality I’ve actually had a pretty normal set of experiences.

    So one year on? I still sit firmly behind Bolick’s mentality that one must carve a life for oneself, both in or outside of a relationship. I’m still not the kind of person to wallow in self-pity because I don’t have a boyfriend. I do want to settle down one day, but I’m not in a rush and I feel forever grateful I have parents who don’t put that kind of pressure on me to get married. I often have some serious thoughts about whether I can actually fit another person in my life right now, both emotionally and just practically alongside work, seeing friends, family, and travelling. A relationship takes effort and until that one person comes along and rocks my world I don’t know how I’ll feel about making that effort right now.

    That being said I do admittedly find Bolick’s frame of mind harder to get behind 100% of the time when you’ve had a taste of what could be. As a hopeless romantic I can’t help set up that movie reel in my head that puts me as the protagonist of my own rom-com. After all, no one in their right mind goes on a date hoping it will go badly. So when it does ‘go wrong’ or fizzles out it sucks. And I’ve honestly found that much harder to deal with this year, especially seeing friends venturing into their second or third year in relationships, getting engaged or moving in with spouses.

    One thing I’ve absolutely had to keep telling myself is to just have fun. Dating is horrible for an introvert like me when you have the constant soundtrack of ‘When He Sees Me’ from Waitress playing in your head before a first date. And I don’t make it easier for myself by dwelling on every tiny little detail, word, emoji and inkling of body language, to figure out what it all means.

    And sometimes when it comes to matters of the heart, a lighter approach to just ‘see what happens’ is definitely an attitude I need to keep in mind at all times.

    — — —

    Last time I linked to a few vlogs/blogs on the wonderful world of dating and ‘being single’. Here are three I’ve found the most amusing/helpful. Feel free to leave more of your favourites posts/videos on the comments too.

    Ria Xx

     

  • What Online Dating Has Taught Me

    What Online Dating Has Taught Me

    *just one of the few ‘charming’ messages I get online

    Happy Tinder-versary to me! It’s been just about a year since one fateful night when my housemates forced me to download the app. I’ve had a mix of good, bad and just plain embarrassing experiences thanks to it and, yes, to be clear, I am still unfortunately single as an outcome. But for all the ridiculousness of it I’ve definitely learnt a lot about myself, what I want/like out of a guy and how to navigate the Millennial online dating minefield.

    So as we’re on the run up to Valentine’s Day (shudders) here’s a few amusing, harmless tidbits I thought I’d share both from my own experiences and stories from friends who’ve also waded into online dating.

    You may find a few familiar faces:

    From old friends (who I always screenshot for blackmail reasons), to classmates from school, college and Uni and old flames/crushes *shudders*, Tinder can be awash with hilarious and bad memories. It’s also amusing to swipe past minor celebs (i.e. indie musicians and YouTubers) and equally good for the ego when you actually match with one of them (Claim to fame. Totally still matched with Noah Robbins on Tinder. Hit me up bro!).

    People are super un-original:

    You like to travel and meet new people? Wow. You’re with your ‘lads’ in your profile picture? Or on your ‘gap yah’? Or you’re skiing? You said ‘hi’ or ‘hey’. *snooooooze* C’mon! Put a little effort into this.

    Men DO NOT know how to take good selfies:

    Where are your angles at bro? Why do guys stand two feet away from a camera and use it as their ONLY profile picture? Or why on Earth would you just have a photo of your car on your profile. Are you an inanimate object? Compensating for something?

    You shouldn’t feel guilty about talking to more than one guy at a time:

    Learnt this one hard way, potentially missed out on meeting some great guys because I was hung up on being a monogamous dater. If that’s your vibe, that’s cool, but I think just talking to more than one person in the early stages is totally fine. I know friends who’ve ended up being good mates with guys from online dating simply because of this. Also – not to knock your self esteem down a notch – do you think you’re the only person they’re talking to right there and then? I know people who’ve matched with the same person and have received exactly the same message within 2 minutes.

    Most people on ‘certain apps’ are after one thing:

    But let’s be real don’t tell me you aren’t on Tinder for wholly innocent reasons either. As long as you’re all consensual, safe and comfortable then there shouldn’t be any shame in this. Go forth and multiply (if you want)

    The weirder, witter and straight to the point the better:

    A generic ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey Ria’ ain’t gonna cut it bro, unless you literally look like Chris Hemsworth or Darren Criss. I like a good opener, or something that indicates you’ve read something in my bio. Also a sucker for a good gif usage – in any context tbh. ‘DTF’ ain’t gonna cut it either, sorry lads.

    I totally have a type…:

    To the point where my housemate has swiped left and right for me, cause apparently my tastes are that frigging obtuse. If you follow who my fave celeb men are you can probably guess what that type is.

    Ghosting / Benching / Breadcrumbing* are so very real:

    And I haven’t quite worked out which one is worse in my head. Not to mention the fact I’ve totally done all of the above to guys myself (my bad). In some ways tech has made dating even tougher for us. Read receipts, those little ‘writing’ dots on messenger, and just plain social media is in itself the modern day equivalent of waiting by the phone or changing your MSN status to something they like. *I’ve linked all of those words if you have no idea what I’m on about.

    At the end of the day it’s just a bit of fun:

    As far as matters of the heart are concerned, getting in too deep with Tinder matches is probably not the road to true love. It can be and I’ve seen plenty of friends triumph into relationships off the back of Tinder dates, but for the most part I’m trying to not get too serious about it, after all dating should be silly, a bit ridic and give you plenty of stories to tell over a couple of glasses of wine until you find ‘the one’, right?

    — — —

    Tell me your online or offline dating woes (or triumphs) in the comments below!

    Ria Xx