Thoroughly modern millennial

Tag: 2017

  • 2017 | In Retrospective

    2017 | In Retrospective

    It’s the end of the year as we know it and boy am I so ready for 2018.

    Hello, it’s been a while. I’ve found it hard to try and find the words lately to summerise 2017. I’ve written and re-written this a dozen or so times. There’s no sugarcoating the ups and downs. There’s no making this all very ‘editorial’. Here’s my little retrospective on the past year.

    Back in January, I was ready to write, fight and rise out the ashes of the sh*t show of 2016. I was aching to do something to help and make a difference. I threw myself into being as loud and vocal as I could. I was writing and learning and trying to boost voices and I kept up the momentum for a while. But I picked up bad habits and realised being glued to the constant barrage of bad just mentally wore me down. I spiralled and lost hope. I burnt out and as a consequence, I just stopped. Stopped blogging. Stopped writing. Stopped doing more than maybe a twitter rant or two.

    That paired with a year of my mind going through cycles of exhaustion and recovery meant 2017 has become the year where I’ve felt the most aware of my mental health and how I deal with those as an adult. I am finding it harder and harder to ignore the fact that I am really not ok sometimes.

    The promise of a new calendar year is awfully deceptive. I want to believe once the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s Eve these feelings will instantly drift away. But it won’t overnight. That being said being aware of my own behaviour, what triggers it, what makes me feel and why is just the start of a journey towards a more sustainable approach to my mental health and looking after myself.

    With those lows have come the highest of highs.

    I went to India back in April and I keep forgetting that actually happened. I’ve kept quiet on the details not because I’ve wanted to keep the whole trip under wraps but I realised I was finding it hard to put into words what I got up to without it sounding so very ‘GUYS I totally found myself watching the sunset in Goa.’

    But I DID watch the sunset in Goa. I also saw the sunset and turn into wonderful shades of purple and pink whilst sat on a houseboat in Alleppey. I spent an evening watching fog stream across huge mountain valleys covered in tea leaves. I packed myself into a tuk-tuk with four of my travel gang as we raced across Panjim on Easter Sunday. I saw the Taj Mahal in 30+ degree heat after an exhausting hour-long domestic flight and a four-hour drive from Delhi. I danced (badly) at my first Indian wedding in a colourful sari which I haggled for in a dress shop all by myself. In between the big moments were girly chats over freshly made garlic naan, learning phrases in Malayalam thanks to our driver in Kerala, and enough #travelsquad selfies to last a lifetime.

    The trip did not come without drama, illness, and stress. but as cliched as it sounds it was such a once in a lifetime experience that I’d never take back.

    My name was in print for the first time ever alongside an original piece poetry this year. The lovely folks at 404 Ink selected Filipina as part of their ‘F-Word’ themed issue 2 of the literary magazine. I have to admit I couldn’t quite hold back the tears when I got my copy of the magazine. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to really convey just how that felt to me. It’s not a book deal or heck even a sign up to an agent but it’s a start.

    A start ignited, if you remember, by the wonderful Write Like A Grrrl course I did over a year and a half ago. Off the back of that, I packed my bags for a rather uncharacteristically sunny Manchester for GrrrlCon. What ensued was quite possibly the most magical weekend of writing and female empowerment I have ever witnessed to date. I couldn’t stop raving about how great it was to be in a room with some incredibly supportive female writers and creators. The conversations on confidence and inner critics were open, honest, and frankly quite cathartic to have. I honestly wished I could just stay there for the end of time. I found it hard to sustain that feeling once away from that little writing community, but I’m hoping to make a fresh start on my writing goals in the new year.

    Though I’ve ticked off some of the biggest bucket list items that I never thought would be possible, it’s been the smaller moments that I’ve really appreciated.

    Exploring London and Cambridge with Erin, the quiet mornings spent writing in small Northern Quarter cafes before a packed day at GrrrlCon, seeing my sister turn 18 (and discovering she is quite a dancer at her birthday party), hearing the tower bells of Magdelene College on my first May Morning in Oxford, wine and pizza nights with my housemates, the geeky atmosphere of LFCC (and spotting Alison Hannigan at her signing booth), happy crying watching Kelly Marie Tran in Star Wars, hearing Gillian Anderson talk about feminism, enjoying my first snow day in years, watching more live poetry, spoken word and comedy, making a fool of myself dancing with my colleagues at work parties, watching Dan + Shay live in Birmingham, punting and pimms on a warm summer day, wandering around Amsterdam in the brisk winter sunshine with my family, evenings spent roaring with laughter with friends over stupid pub quiz questions.

    As cheesy as it sounds those moments are the ones I’m carrying with me into 2018.

    This whole post is packed with cliches and I’m sorry it’s been a bit of a ramble. (I’m a bit rusty on the blog writing front) So cheers to you for making it through. I’m actually taking a bit of a break at the start of the new year before leaping back into working (I’m calling it my makeshift writing/’Ria sorts her life out retreat’). Aside from a little 2018 resolutions blog post, I’ll guess see you on the other side!

    R Xx

  • A re-introduction (of sorts)

    A re-introduction (of sorts)

    Hello (again)

    As Summer draws it last lazy breath, Autumn steps into the light. A new season full of promise. A turn of a page, a reboot of sorts, and a moment for me to say hello (again) to the blog and a hello to you.

    Hiatus’ are becoming commonplace for me and I won’t apologise for this one. There were many reasons I strayed from the blog none very dramatic but as I am saying hello (again) I thought it fit for us all to have a catch up.

    A digital detox of sorts

    I know this sounds cliche but I am genuinely trying to be more mindful of how I consume social media and spend my time in the online world. I’ve especially found myself exhausted by the digital as I now spend 90% of my time in my actual job logged tuned into the Internet. The last thing I’ve wanted to do lately has been to sit down and actually write a blog post and the pressure I was mounting onto myself to do so was draining me of creativity. So I took a step back. I’ve tried considering what I use each of my social media platforms for and want to try and re-focus on quality (not quantity) again.

    Writing, writing, and more writing

    I have been writing though, off screen and out of way. Part invigorated by my trip to GrrrlCon back in June and being surrounded by wonderfully talented, inspiring and inclusive female writers, I have spent the past few months burrowing away delving back into creative writing. The result? I’ve a folder of poems on my computer ripe for submissions, I’m back on track with two novel projects which I thought were long abandoned, and I’m working on short stories for potential submissions to literary magazines. I’m also more comfortable talking more openly about what I’m writing to people in real life. More importantly my curiosity for the creative is back. I’ve not felt this great about my writing in years.

    Activist self-care

    2017 is relentless isn’t it? If it’s not Tr*mp literally running riot in the White House, it’s the absolute sh* t show of the UK Tory Government, or ignorant Nazi meatheads plowing down innocent protesters. I was fired up at the beginning of the year to fight, but the activist burnout has been so very real. I’ve learnt the hard way that shouting constantly on my own is not sustainable. So again, like my little blogging detox, I’ve been stepping away from the 24/7 news cycle and trying to not to get too sucked into the negative.

    I realise I preach the ‘activism must be persistent and consistent’ line all the time but a balance is needed and it is hard to admit that stepping back, taking breaks, and looking after myself is so very important for me right now. Activism requires shift work and the silver lining to all the terrible in the World is realising that there are entire networks of incredible people willing to make change happen. None of us have to do this alone.

    Show not tell

    Not sure if you’ve noticed but I have a problem with making plans and not following through. I tell you I’m travelling to India and I don’t share pics. I start new blogging series and let them fall to the wayside. I promise big things on this blog but they often don’t come to fruition. I’m very good at shooting the sh*t when it comes to ideas, but when it comes to execution I often fall short of time and effort. I want to stop promising so much and just let blog posts fall more spontaneously across my little corner of the Internet. I would encourage you to follow me on Twitter and Instagram if you miss me that much.

    (Re)Balance

    And here’s a nice 180 back to my original New Year’s Resolution. I was seeking balance this year. I needed it after my accidental ‘year of saying yes’ and I do believe I have time to claw this back. Everything I’ve talked about here ties into this singular resolution.

    — — —

    Before I have you all worry this isn’t a ‘the old Ria can’t come to the phone right now cause she’s dead’ type of situation with the blog. As I acknowledged in my last post the ‘blogging’ landscape has changed, I’ve changed, my priorities have changed. Which means I needed time away to re-envision, recharge and rework what I actually wanted this little corner of my Internet to be like. And this post is just the start.

    Ria Xx

  • May | In Retrospect

    May | In Retrospect

    Song of the month: Cut to the feeling, Carly Rae Jepsen

    Oh woes me, Ria’s back at it again with another existential crisis. This was going to be a whole separate post but it looks like this is side stepping into my May round up. This month for me flew by in a dizzy haze of mixed emotions. Part combination of mid-twenties crisis / post-holiday blues / general anger at how effing cruel the world can be as the Manchester attack hit very personally. My brain frazzled. I’ve taken time out and well, the result is this post (which, I’m not entirely sure makes much sense)…

    Blogger no more?

    I’ve spent the last month thinking about the way I categorise myself. Labels for me are useful and as bad as it is I like applying them to myself.

    I am many things. A woman. A Filipina. A Brit. A daughter. A sister. A nerd. A Ravenclaw. A bookworm. One label I’ve been happy to stick with for a number of years and has held pride of place in many bios on the Internet is ‘blogger’.

    Blogger: a person who regularly writes material for a blog.

    Or so was the definition of I was happy to parrot to people over 5 years ago when I first started out. Obviously since then that definition has morphed into something wholly different. Something ‘more’. And whilst I made a few feeble attempts to prescribe to the idea of what a ‘blogger’ is, I’ve found myself shifting away from the ‘B’ word. Reluctant to announce it as my status. (I’ve even sneakily taken it down from some of my social media bios)

    It’s not you, it’s me

    It’s not that I think that the label is tainted or negative in any way. It’s more of a matter that I don’t feel comfortable labelling myself with that moniker anymore. I don’t fit the definition of what a blogger is right now in 2017. When people picture ‘bloggers’ they don’t see me. They see the curated feeds, editorial-esque spreads and polished articles. They see consistent content and active social media accounts, spouting wonderful opinionated, introspective, commentary, or deeply personal essays. They don’t picture me. Which I’m fine with. The industry and blogging itself has evolved. I just haven’t bothered or have had the energy to keep up with it. And I’ve come to a very simple conclusion with all this.

    I have a blog but I’m not a ‘blogger’ anymore.

    Shying away from the ‘blogger’ label has meant picking up other instead. Feminist. Activist. Writer.

    The last of those is one acquired after years of self-doubt. The complete irony being that just as I’ve grown the confidence to call myself a writer, I’m losing the label which has defined so much of my Internet existence for half a dozen or so years of my life.

    So is this you ‘quitting’ blogging?

    Well no, but TMM may ‘feel’ a little different? I want to dedicate less time to worrying about getting a blog post up and schedules. I don’t want to be beholden to Editorial calendars and empty promises of sharing content and my life. I want to spend more time on my creative writing, without feeling guilty that my blog looks empty for a bit. I want to spend more time in the other spaces I do have a responsibility to write and curate content like on Blogger’s Bookshelf and Resonate.

    So this is definitely not a farewell. It’s more of a catch you later? See you on the Internet? Keep an eye out for me in other places? idk If you miss me that much as I say my Twitter is always open. Say hello. In the meantime I’m re-assessing what this space is for me. Thanks for your patience.

    Much love.

    Ria Xx

    p.s. existential crisis aside, I’m so humbled by the lovely messages regarding the announcement that I’ll be published for the first time in 404 Ink. Be sure to pre-order Issue 2 of their magazine to see my new piece of poetry.